So obviously my last post was something I wrote after a tough emotional day. And towards the end of September I had a lot of those types of days because I was so afraid of October, and everything that it represented. But one day, I just woke up and decided that cancer had taken enough from me already. It had already taken too many days away from my family. It had already taken too many happy moments away from me. So I decided that enough was enough and that instead of being afraid of October, I would use that fear, to conquer it. I decided that the only way to beat October, was to face it head on and face my fears. It's kind of like on those old talk shows where they would have someone on the show that was afraid of spiders, and then make them hold a tarantula. Yeah. Ummm...I wasn't about to hold a tarantula but same kind of thing. Work with me here. :)

So I decided to challenge myself during the first full week of October and choose 5 things I've was afraid to do, and do one thing each day that week. I purposely chose that specific week because it was the week before most of my big one year anniversaries. I figured this little exercise would either help me through that week or be a big fail, in which case I didn't want to have a big fail AND a tough week of all the one year anniversaries at the same time. Ha. I dubbed the week #fearlessforfive.

It didn't take very long to come up with my list of five things I had been afraid to do. What was harder to do was narrow it down to only five! I ended up making a last minute switch on the last day, but more on that to come.

Each day, I posted about my challenge and my accomplishment on my Facebook page. I had no idea what kind of response I would get. Honestly, I really didn't even think anyone would care. But after my first post, I knew I had stumbled onto something and the response was truly amazing.

Fearless for Five (Day 1): Filling Out My Genetic Testing Paperwork

I got this huge packet of papers the day I met with all the surgeons last October right after diagnosis. It was such an overwhelming day, completely like drinking from a fire hose. A fire hose that keeps smacking you in the face. The packet of papers were the forms required to start the process of genetic testing. I had been staring at these papers for a year. I had been so afraid to do this because if the results came back and show that I have the BRCA 2 gene mutation, it means automatic surgery to remove my ovaries. That gene mutation links breast cancer and ovarian cancer. It's just a surgery that I couldn't face yet. I was also afraid that if I have that gene mutation, what that would mean for my Emma Kathryn. Maybe it would mean that I passed that gene on to her, and she would have a higher risk of breast cancer in her life. That's a weight that I wasn't ready to hold on my shoulders yet. I was still just trying to figure out how to stand tall myself. 

So this was an easy decision for me to put first on the list of my #fearlessforfive challenge to myself. So before bed on day one, I sat down and filled out the paperwork and the next day it was sent in. Although I am still nervous about what the results might say, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted, just knowing that one thing is done! The overwhelming support that I got from my Facebook post was unbelievable.

Fearless for Five (Day 2): Heading to the Pumpkin Patch

After day one, I was thinking that my day 2 post would seem silly to most folks. But I stuck with it because it was a big deal to me, and something that I had been afraid of for months at this point.

Last year, the day after my diagnosis, October 15th, I went on Jack’s Pumpkin Patch field trip. That day was incredibly hard. I was crumbling on the inside. Crumbling. I was hiding behind my sunglasses the entire day. I was trying to talk in code to the surgeons after I got call after call trying to set up appointments, while Jack just wanted Mommy to come look at the animals and the pumpkin he picked out. Emma was actually there too, but decided she would rather go with her friend then Mommy. It was actually a big relief. In retrospect, going on the trip that day was probably the best thing that I could have done, but man was it tough.

This year, that same field trip to the same pumpkin patch was happening about the same time, and I was afraid to go. I was afraid of how it would make me feel. I was afraid to have to face those feelings all over again. But I decided that I was more afraid, of missing that time with my Squishy, and never being able to get it back. So on Day 2 of #fearlessforfive, I conquered my fear of the pumpkin patch and signed up to chaperone Jack’s field trip. The overwhelming support just continued. I was blown away. 


Fearless for Five (Day 3): Consultation for Reconstruction Surgery

Day 3 was all about conquering my fear of going back to where I was after surgery. My first surgery was pretty major. It was just 9 hours long and truly took me probably two months to really recover. I had been putting off contacting the hospital to schedule my reconstruction surgery because I was afraid to feel that pain again. I knew this surgery wouldn't be as bad, but that little voice in my head just kept telling me to put it off. The thought of going through surgery again, especially now that I was finally feeling like my health is back under my control, wasn’t fun. I didn’t want to have to go through it again, even if it’s not as bad as Round 1. I didn't want to have to tell Emma and Jack that I couldn’t pick them up for two months again. I didn't want to have to wait 6 or 8 weeks to start exercising again. I’ve finally found my rhythm and I wanted it to stay that way.

But I decided on day 3, that even if all those things happen, they are all only temporary. If I eventually bounced back from surgery and treatment the first time, I can bounce back from this, and probably even faster now that I’m in better shape than when I started. Nothing can match what I have been through already, and if I am ever TRULY going to move on with my life, I couldn’t keep having this hang over my head. So I stuck a fork in Day 3, and it was done! I made an appointment for my consultation with my plastic surgeon as the first step towards my follow up surgery. 

Fearless for Five (Day 4): Before and "After" Pictures

Day four is where my little switch-a-roo came. I was originally going to do this one on the last day, because to me it felt like the biggest. But I quickly started to second guess myself and I could feel myself starting to chicken out. So I knew that if I waited an extra day, I wouldn't do it because I was too afraid, and that's what this little challenge was all about right? So on day four, I posted my before and after pictures from our health journey so far. All of the fears that I’ve was trying to overcome that week felt so different for me. With this day though. I was not just trying to conquer the fear, but the shame of how I felt when I started our journey.

I normally would never have posted a picture like this of myself for all to see. In fact, I’ll pretty much posted it and then ran away from my phone so I couldn't see the responses. But ultimately I figured that if I was truly going to share my story and our journey, it needed to be with full disclosure. The good, the bad, the embarrassing, etc.

I think I actually called it a before and “during” picture because I’m certainly not done my journey, not by far. I let go of my fear of what people will think of me. I let go of the fear that at 34 years old my mom would probably still reprimand me for posting something like this. I let go of my fear of my coworkers seeing me like this. I let go of the fear of showing my imperfections. And before I knew it, day four was done! The positive comments, support, inspirational messages started pouring in. I woke up with the biggest, widest smile on my face the next morning. I couldn't thank everyone enough.

Fearless for Five (Day 5): The Hair

At this point in my little conquering my fear challenge, I was surprised at how much it was truly changing the way I looked at October and my fears in general. The past couple of days had taught me so much. I was so afraid to put myself out there, thinking that no one would even care. But people were sending me messages about how inspirational they thought I was, how they couldn't wait to see what I did next. I got stopped in the hallway. I got stopped at daycare. People were truly listening. They were truly caring. I quickly learned that social media isn’t about portraying your “perfect life” or just your “highlight reel”. It’s about sharing your true story, the ups and the downs. That’s what people relate to. That’s how you truly connect with people. 

Because of my little switch-a-roo the day before, I had what I felt like was an "easier" idea for my last day. But with feeling suck the unbelievable support, I was on cloud nine, and decided that I needed to go out with a bang. So I came up with a new fear to conquer, and it was all about the hair.

On January 27th, right after we got home from my second of four big treatments of the red devil, we buzzed my hair. After that point, I never posted a picture of myself without my hat or wig on until my hair started growing back after I was done treatment, like eight months later. I kept my profile picture from last year, a picture of me and the hubby, with my long flowing hair. At home, I pretty much never wore my hat, so Wes and the kids got pretty used to seeing me with no hair, even though I never really got used to it. Outside of my parents, there were very few other people that saw me like that.

On the tough days when I would get upset about the hair, people would try to reassure me that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. They would say that it was only hair and that it would grow back. They gave me scarves or hats. They said I didn’t need hair, that I looked beautiful without it. They told me what it might be like when it started to grow back. They always knew someone whose hair came back like this or like that. They would call be brave, or strong. And I appreciated everything they were saying, because I know how hard it is to react to something like that. They were just trying to help, trying to make me feel better.

But most days, I just wanted to reply “None of that matters. It just sucks. Like big time.” No matter what they said, the hair just always mattered. And it wasn’t just the hair on my head. It was my eyebrows, my eye lashes, everything. It mattered to me. It mattered to the kids, even if they didn't say it outright. Emma would always draw pictures of Mommy “when Mommy had long hair”.

Sure, there were some perks. But the perks never came close to how much it mattered. When your nose hair falls out your nose runs constantly. It’s embarrassing. No one tells you about those kinds of things. They give you a window of when they think your hair might start to fall out, and every day, every.single.day, you wait for it. You pull on your hair to see if today is the day. Then one day you just know that it’s starting. For me, it was the day I did my 2nd treatment. I was sitting in the chair, just pulling out strands with my mom watching. I couldn’t wait to get home and buzz it off, because I couldn’t sit back and just wait for it any longer.

One of the hardest things about losing your hair, is that it takes away your ability to fly under the radar on the days where you just want to be “normal”. There were days where I ran to target to get a gift, and I just didn’t want anyone to know. There were days when just Emma and I went to breakfast, and I couldn’t help but see the stares from across the room. Some days you just want to hide, and losing your hair takes your ability to hide away from you.

I don’t have many pictures of myself without my hat on, but for some reason we decided to snap a few shots the day we buzzed it. And I'm glad we did. I only took one picture when it completely fell out, to show my oncologist the allergic reaction that I was having on my face from my Taxol treatments. I never wanted to show anyone this picture.

But my #fearlessforfive challenge had given me the confidence to put it all out there. To truly show ME. To show that no matter how much the hair mattered, I could still conquer those feelings. I could conquer the shame and fear. I may not have had the confidence to do this while it was happening, but after this challenge, I was ready. So for my day five challenge, I showed my true self, on my darkest of days.

So there it was. I was done my challenge and I felt amazing. It has truly changed the way I look at the things that I am afraid to do. Are there still things that I am afraid of? You bet. But am I going to wait a year now to conquer them? Nope.

And you know what the most amazing part of all of this was? The fact that I was so afraid of October, this year, and the majority of the biggest days that I was afraid of, came and went. On most of those days, I didn't even think about what day it was until late that evening. 

I truly conquered October. And maybe even inspired a few people along the way.

Keeping It Real

I bet some of the readers of our blog (mostly our family members) are probably thinking that its looking a little different lately since we started our health journey. Although we've made a lot of changes and although some may have appeared "sales-y", that will never be the intention of this blog.

I started this blog almost SIX years ago now (whoa) so we would have a way to share our pregnancy journey with our long distance family members. We kicked this baby off with the announcement that Emma Kathryn was on the way. We have been through our ups and downs with the blog. I've taken breaks from it when I've needed to. I've posted things that have upset family members before. But I've always been open and honest and all these changes that you are seeing aren't going to change that. It's always been an unbelievable outlet for me, a way to share our story, no matter what that story looked like.

It just feels indescribable to finally be able to share our new story. We are happier then we have ever been. And we just want to share how we got here.

I've been in the market for a new phone lately and I was just realizing that I'll finally have to avoid my fears and upload everything to The Cloud so I don't lose all of my pictures and videos since our home computer is still somewhat out of commission. So that started me into looking back through all my pictures and of course there are tons where the kids were little that just struck me how much time was flying by. Then there were the pictures that came after my diagnosis. Those pictures are much harder to look at.

Like this one. This picture is from October 15th, 2013. This was the day right in the middle of diagnosis. The Monday before was when I went in for my first mammogram and pretty much got diagnosed right then and there. The day after this was the day I got the call with the biopsy results that sealed the deal. But that day in between? That was the day I went on Jack's first field trip to the pumpkin patch. I had those sunglasses on all day because I just kept crying. I kept getting phone calls from the hospital, trying to set up meetings with surgeons. Probably one of the hardest days out of all of them. But you know what, I kept up with life, and my Squishy had an awesome day at the Pumpkin Patch. Even though Mommy was a hot mess.

This picture was taken on October 19th, the Saturday after diagnosis. I didn't know what to do with myself this day. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball under a blanket with the babies. It still didn't seem real. I think the kids knew something was wrong, but maybe just not sure what. But they stuck by my side that day. I remember being so torn with my thoughts because I just kept saying to myself that I didn't FEEL sick, so I should get up and do something. Then the next minute I just kept saying to myself, no, you have CANCER, you need to rest. I didn't know what to do.

Here's another tough one. I both love and hate this picture. I love it because it's probably the best picture I have of me and my girl. She was so excited to go see the photographer for pictures. But I hate this picture at the same time because of the reason behind it. This was ten days after my official diagnosis and it was a spur of the moment family photo shoot because I was afraid I wasn't going to have any pictures of my family for a long time. I had no idea outside of surgery what kind of treatment I was in store for, but deep down I just had a feeling that chemo was in the cards. And I was scared. I have a smile on my face but I was scared to death as to what was to come.

Here is another picture that is pretty high on the list. It's probably the cutest picture of my kids like ever (but seriously, they are pretty damn cute right?). This was less than a month after my surgery and I was still having trouble recovering. I had a ton of trouble sleeping, and it took me a good six weeks to be able to get out of sleeping in a recliner in our bedroom. This was the first snow day of the season last year, and the kids were begging me to go play outside with them. But I felt awful. So I had to sit back and watch as Daddy got to build a snowman, make snow angels, you name it. They were so excited. I remember walking outside just briefly to snap a few pictures and they just didn't understand why Mommy couldn't play. It was heartbreaking.

This was on December 16th, exactly two months from diagnosis. This was the day I was headed to meet my oncologist for the first time and figure out what the plan was. I never wore my hair down. Like ever. But I just knew what was coming that day. I just knew I was going to get signed up for chemo. And for some reason, I felt like as soon as my oncologist said those words, my hair would fall out. So I felt like it was the last picture I would ever take with my hair down. I know, seems stupid. But that's what it felt like. That appointment was like getting kicked in the stomach repeatedly. Too many phrases like "because of the higher risk nature of your breast cancer..." and "worst possible side effects are heart failure and leukemia..." and "complete genetic counseling/testing for BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes...". That last one is what scared me the most. To this day I have yet to fill out the paperwork to get the genetic testing done because I'm scared to death to find out that I'm a mutation-carrier, and could have passed that on to Emma.

My oncologist gave me until after the holidays before starting treatment, so right after the new year, on January 3rd I headed in for my pre-chemo visit. I got six different prescriptions that day, and we talked IN DEPTH about all the side effects of both the AC and the Taxol chemo treatments. For the first time I saw the schedule, that had procedure for port placement on January 7th, a start date of January 13th and an end date of not until May 28th. I could barely even see past the next day, let alone five months from then. It felt like as soon as you picked yourself back up from getting kicked during the first appointment, you were back there before you knew it, still getting kicked. Needless to say I left that appointment and drove straight to the mall to a hair salon that accepted walk ins. I got most of it cut off and donated my hair. One of those I'm smiling in the picture but secretly full of sadness on the inside.

 

This was taken on January 13th, my first day of chemo. Wes and I actually laughed a lot that day because it was our defense mechanism. We didn't know what to do. We didn't know how to act. We didn't know what I was going to feel like. We were still having trouble with our insurance company clearing my nausea meds and we didn't get that all sorted out until too late. I had always heard "Day 3" was the worst, so I wasn't expecting it when it hit me a few hours later. That night was probably the worst I felt the entire time. It's much harder to chase down the nausea after it's already set in, then when you keep up with it so that night the medications basically didn't work at all.

This was the last of my four big AC treatments. Man, these were gnarly. Looking back I honestly don't know how I worked the week after each treatment, especially near the end. By the third and fourth treatment I was having a lot of issues with anticipatory nausea. Basically, my body started to realize what was coming so I would feel very sick before I even started. By treatment number four, I couldn't even look at those vials of the red devil. I couldn't watch the nurse push it into the IV cords. I just wanted to leave. I had to BLAST my music so I couldn't hear what was going on. I had to almost completely leave my body, go somewhere else mentally. I couldn't bare to think of that stuff coursing through my veins anymore. I couldn't bare to think of the smell of it as I sweated it out laying in bed. I couldn't bare the smells of the oncologist lobby, or of the alcohol wipes that were being used every time you turned around. I can't wear that little white hoodie anymore because it's what I wore to almost every treatment so they could easily access my port.

But you know what...

after all that...

the pictures on my phone now look like this...

They are proof that I am taking time out for MYSELF. 

I'm becoming a better person. Better friend. Better wife. Better mother. Better everything.

I'm facing my fears because my self confidence is building by the day.

I'm back to being me again. And maybe even a better version.

I'm having a ton of fun with my family. 

These are genuine smiles. Not fake ones. Or ones where I'm dying inside.

I'm happy. Like, stupid happy. 

Like, the happiest I've ever been.

I have big goals and big dreams for our family now. 

Not just goals of how much money I want to make in life.

I'm straightening out my priorities. 

They still may not be perfect yet, but I'm on the right track.

I'm focused on helping my family THRIVE. 

I'm no longer focused on just "making it through each day".

I'm focused on all the things we wanted to do before, but couldn't. 

Or that I couldn't truly enjoy.

So the next time that one of our posts seems "sales-y", just know that's not our intention. It's just a by-product of what has helped us get to this positive, happy, fulfilling place in life. We don't want to sell you. We just want to share what is working for us because if it worked for us, it can work for anyone.

My Why to Becoming a Beachbody Coach! (From Wes!)

My Why to Becoming a Beachbody Coach! (Hint, it will have a running theme from Laura's!)

What is Beachbody Coaching?  Is it a Pyramid Scheme? Is it some ridiculous sales pitch to get people in hopes to make a few bucks? Is it some fad that will pass in the coming months? As Laura and I have come to find out, it truly is none of these things. All the people we have encountered when we decided to start this journey all had remarkable stories and reason's for joining as a Beachbody coach. And as Laura pointed out, not one of them was financial (which can be a nice side bonus if you are DEDICATED to making it happen.)

Everyone we came across had very personal "why's" and when Laura first brought this opportunity to my attention I was skeptical of the coaching aspect.  However, the more and more I started watching these folks videos and reading their posts about their passions and wants, I started to realize that they all have some very common wants and desires that I have. 

My why started out with the desire for accountability in my workouts and a more healthy eating routine. I am a runner, but I never was truly pushing myself. I always said, "we need to eat more healthy!" Which we would for a week or two then it would tail off. So I saw this is a good opportunity to hold myself more accountable.  How was I going to help or motivate someone to eat well and exercise, if I wasn't really doing it myself?? So, Laura and I did a lot of research, and talked and we ultimately decided to join. And we admit, somewhat still skeptical.

As the next week or so went buy and the more and more video's I watched, everyone always stressed to find your "why" for wanting to coach, which I thought I had.  But as I slowly started to realize that my original "why" was only the surface of my real "why."

I am a federal contractor by day, so the nature of my business is fluid and always changing.  However, over the last five years, I have been blessed with being on a long term contract and have not had to worry about job security.  However, over the past 3 or 4 months, I was in job limbo. I was told by my current contract that I could only stay onboard until the end of July (it dragged to the end of August in the end). So, I began looking at the current openings my company had. I started looking in Mid-March....by the end of July, after sending out over 200 resumes, I didn't get one call back or have one interview lined up. I was told that if July 31st came and I had no job lined up, I would be let go. We had just bought a new house (which we love!), I have two kids to help support, and my wife just had finished cancer treatment. I was trying to hide my stress and fear from the kids and Laura, because God knows we have had enough of that over the last few months. I wanted to be the "strong" one that kept things moving along and didn't want to add to the day to day stress on Laura or the kids. I started to think about what the most important thing to me was, and obviously the first thing that jumped out at me was my family. I had spent so much time over the last 4-5 months worrying over losing my job, I forgot to step back and realize, my family is more important that any corporate job. I wanted to be the Dad who dropped his kids off at the bus stop and was there to see them when they were dropped off in the afternoon. I wanted to be the Dad that was able to be at all the practices, recitals, soccer games, gymnastic practices....I didn't want to miss a second of any of it. Like Laura said, with my job being Federal Contracting I was afraid I was going to wake up one day and realize, I spent the last 10-12 years commuting 4.5 + hours a day to and from work and I got home too late to see Jack pitch in a game or I got home to late to watch Emma score her first goal.

My FAMILY is my why. I still want to be held accountable for my workouts, but the big reason I am so excited about this opportunity is because it could give me the chance to LIVE A LIFE OF DESIGN, own my own time, at all hours, not just between the hours of 7:00pm - 6:00am (giving me a whooping 45 minutes with the kids in the evenings.) To be able to help Emma and Jack establish healthy eating habits, by showing them Mommy and Daddy are doing it too. I want to be there to be the loudest most obnoxious parent cheering when Emma scores a goal or Jack strikes out the side (of course when they are pre-teen and teens, I will need to tone that down a bit or they will disown me for embarrassing them!) With the understanding that I am going to need to WORK to accomplish that, that's ok, because its something that I feel strongly about.

So if this sounds familiar to you, and you are interested in joining our team, or even if you are just looking to start writing a new story for you or your family, don't hesitate to reach out to us. We would love to have you join us in our journey.

Work Hard & Play Hard

Over the past nine months, we sure have had our share of working hard. Whether it was working hard to just get through a tough day, or staying late at night at work to complete a project, or working hard on our house to get that baby on the market and sold...it's been a lot of hard work. But, just as I mentioned in my post last week, you have to remember to have some fun. So even though we worked hard, we sure did our best to play hard too.

You have already seen some of the fun we had at Halloween and getting our Christmas tree here, but there was so much more that has happened that you didn't see over the past nine months that it would be hard to write about it all. So in the meantime, here's a little summary through pictures, of how much fun we have had lately. There have been a lot of smiles that I couldn't have done without.

Papa came to visit for Christmas, and we all had a blast. By the end of his visit, Papa had Emma's new princess game down pat!

The kids ripped right through Christmas presents like usual...

...and we celebrated Birthdays with the big cousins...

...and had Wacky Wednesday's at school.

When we were snowed in for five days straight, we had Valentine's Day parties in the dining room...

...and despite Mommy's chemo brain and her inability to select the correct size mattress and box spring initially, we got big boy beds for big boys who were about to turn three.

We had Mommy/Daughter breakfast dates filled with chocolate chip pancakes and snuggles...

...and we celebrated The Squishy turning three with one sweet Ninja Turtle Birthday party.

 We had a blast dying Easter eggs...

...and going Easter egg hunting in the back yard with a Popcorn bucket...

...and an insulated lunch bag.

We made silly faces at Mommy when she was trying to take a nice picture of us...

 ...but then eventually we kind of sat still.

We played in our first ever season of soccer...

...but mostly just played with the grass.

Sometimes we would kick the ball, but most of the time it was the child that wasn't actually playing in the game...

...and the one that was playing in the game, was usually just taking it all in.

 We had lots of fun on Mother's Day playing in our swimming pool....

 ...and gave Mommy some sweet poses for pictures.

We went to the carnival when it came to town and we photo-bombed our big sister...

...and we had a great Memorial Day cookout at Mimi and Pop's house, complete with swimming and fishing...

...and of course filled with some more super sweet poses by The Squishy.

We celebrated Emma Kathryn as she graduated pre-school....

 ...and had one sweet cookout of our own, complete with slip-n-slide.

We celebrated Father's Day by running a muck in Raven's Stadium...

...sometimes getting stuck in the stands...

 ...but mostly running a muck.

And that pretty much brings us to today!

So as you can see, despite everything going on, our smiles sure outnumbered our frowns.