I'm Afraid of October

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Although I am actually feeling pretty ready for fall, with the cool weather, fall flowers, sweatshirts, snuggles under blankets, seat warmers, trick or treating... I have to admit that there is something that is heavily weighing on my mind.

My one year anniversary of diagnosis.

I keep telling Wes, and this probably sounds silly, that it's hard to pick a one year anniversary because there were are so many October dates, that just the mention of the day, brings back that sinking feeling in my stomach. Is it October 9th, the day I found the lump? Is it October 14th, the day I got my mammogram and biopsy and was told it was cancer? Is it October 16th, the day we got the official phone call with the biopsy results? Is it October 17th, the day we met with surgeons to start the process? Or maybe it's November 18th, the day of my surgery, the day I officially became cancer free?

At the shear mention of any of those dates, I feel sick to my stomach. The minute I think about Jack's upcoming pumpkin patch trip, I feel sick to my stomach. Despite the fact that I'm probably in the most positive place of my life right now, I'm still very afraid of October and what it represents.

I'm afraid of what I'm going to feel like on each of those days.

I'm afraid that all those awful, indescribable feelings I had a year ago, are going to come flooding back, despite my best intentions to celebrate a year later.

I'm afraid to feel like I felt the day I broke in half, and cried in Wes's arms after the mammogram. I'm afraid to feel like I did when I thought about having to call to tell my family, especially my mother.

I'm afraid to feel like I did when I saw my parents for the first time that night, like it was all my fault that I had to put them through this.

I'm afraid to feel like I did the next morning, sobbing in the shower before trying to put myself together to go on Jack's field trip like I promised him I would.

I'm afraid to remember all the days where Wes broke down, and I felt like it was my fault.

I'm afraid to feel like I did the day we met the surgeons, seeing pictures of what my body was going to look like after surgery. 

I'm afraid to feel that anger again. That anger that I felt at God.

I'm afraid to feel that weight on my shoulders again. The weight of trying to keep a smile on my face when I was crumbling on the inside.

I'm afraid to feel like I did waiting in the back room, alone, in between mammogram pictures, where it just seemed never ending. One more. No, two more pictures. No, even more. 

I want to celebrate the fact that this changed my life, for the better. 

I want to celebrate the fact that I made it through, that I won. 

I want to celebrate the fact that I feel more blessed then ever.

I want to celebrate the fact that I'm strong then I ever thought I was.

But I just don't know if I can focus on celebrating, with it all still so raw some days.

Jack's field trip to the pumpkin patch this year is on October 16th, the one year anniversary of the biopsy results. I don't know whether to go, and basically give cancer the big middle finger and say. well, look at my now (while trying not to burst into tears every six minutes)! Or, do I take the day off work, and go visit my grandmother's grave, because I KNOW, she is the guardian angel that led me to find the lump. Or do I just go to work that day, and not let cancer take one more minute away from my normal life.

These are the times where I don't feel very much like an inspiration. So many people that have reached out and been so supportive over the past year, and especially lately, have told me that I'm an inspiration to them. Well these are the types of days where I don't see how. But I feel like if I am truly going to share my story, I need to share about the bad days too. The days where it's not all sunshine and rainbows. The days where I struggle, or where I'm afraid.

1 comment :

  1. Hey chica - I'm sure that October is hard - no doubt! Plus, since it's Breast Cancer Awareness month, it probably gets thrown in your face more than you'd like it too. It's still raw. BUT, I want you to know that when you're ready, and if you ever want to do the Komen Walk to celebrate your incredible success....I will more than happily walk right by your side, proudly wearing whatever crazy festive paraphernalia you want me to wear. Even if that means a pink frilly tutu, face paint, rainbow striped socks and pink-streaked hair! Love you!


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