I don't know what it was that was keeping me from blogging over the past couple of weeks. Outside of the obvious surgery recovery. I sat down so many times with my computer open, a new post ready for words, feelings, thank yous, anything. But nothing ever seemed to come out. The odd part, was that there was so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to write about. Sometimes, on tough sleeping nights I would lay awake just thinking about everything I wanted to say about the past month, but the next day I would open my computer, and I just didn't know where to start. So you will have to forgive me because who knows where this post will go and how long it might eventually be! I just am going to sit down, and start typing and see what happens!

It feels like it was forever ago that we started our new journey, our new story. There are so many notes and cards and messages and phone conversations that have happened over the past month that will probably all trickle out in different posts, but there was one that stands out to me a lot. It was an email that Wes and I received the Saturday before my surgery and it's what I thought about every time I sat down to try to write about our latest journey. It was about how this was our story. Even though everyone has a story about a neighbor or a cousin or a friend or a coworker, this was going to be our story and was just about us, and eventually this big net of friends and family that are gathered around us to catch us. The email said "we all have to acknowledge that this is your story." I don't know why that had such an impact on me. Maybe its because as soon as we got our diagnosis, all the other stories started pouring in. Sometimes we needed to hear them, sometimes we didn't. It was always coming from a good place in someones heart, that just wanted to help. But it was often very overwhelming. Over the past month, I have just been constantly reminding myself, that this is our story, so ultimately, that's what I decided to sit down and write about. I can't thank that family member enough for that email to Wes and I that day. It meant more than you will ever know.

It seems like so long ago that we got the actual diagnosis. At first, it seemed like it was a lifetime between diagnosis and surgery. But now, it seems like it went by in the blink of an eye. The weeks in between were very odd. Mostly, extremely good and very normal. It was odd and exactly what we needed at the same time, to go back to normal life, even though we knew what was coming. Work was what I needed during the day to take my mind off of what was going on. In the evenings, it was the babies that kept us busy like usual. They were our lifesavers. We talked to them about what was going to happen. Honestly, I really didn't know what to tell them or not tell them, but in the end, we were open and honest and used words like cancer and surgery and hospital, just because we knew they would over hear them in conversations anyway. Of course they didn't understand much, especially Jack, but I think Emma understood as much as she needed to. We told them that Mommy had cancer and that the doctors needed to take the cancer out so Mommy wouldn't get sick. We told them that cancer was like weeds in our flower garden. If you don't take the weeds out, they will spread and make the flowers sick. It actually ended up being perfect because they love to help Mommy and Daddy take the weeds out of the garden in the summer. They have been absolutely amazing through all this. 

One day I noticed that our favorite photographer was having some fall mini-sessions. She usually books up fast and it was only a week away but on a whim, I thought why not? It was something I was thinking about doing in the spring, but given that our immediate future was somewhat up in the air, I took a shot and turns out she had the perfect opening. Boy was it cold that day and I wouldn't say that we were exactly prepared with proper outfits but she always makes us laugh, and the kids adore her. It was the perfect thing to do, and I am so glad that we decided to capture this exact time in our lives even in just a few photographs.

I love these three so much, that I can barely even stand it.  

Before we knew it, it was Halloween and time for the babies Halloween parade at school! Of course Emma was another princess this year and it only took us about two hours in the store to decide which one! Jack on the other hand went as the most handsome Peter Pan known to man. Clearly.

The Halloween parade must be so overwhelming for the kids because the shopping center just gets lined with parents with cameras and store owners and shoppers all clamoring to see the cuteness. After seeing so many little ones pass, we finally got a glimpse of  Peter Pan coming down the sidewalk.

It took him a few minutes but he finally saw Mommy when he was about two feet away from us. Before we could blink, Cinderella was charging along and was so excited that she barely even acknowledged us! And yes, here hair usually looks like that when she goes to school. Ha!

Round two on the other side of the shopping center, came Peter Pan once again! Talk about Mr. Serious once again!

Then, Cinderella made another appearance, and finally flashed that little beauty pageant smile and princess wave. My heart just melted.

After heading home to meet Mimi for dinner, we quickly got dressed and headed out for some trick or treating. I will say, that this was just about the perfect Halloween night. The kids were completely into trick or treating, it was the perfect weather, and everyone just had a blast. It was exactly what I was hoping for and needed. It just seemed like such a bright spot in our lives and I was so thankful for such an amazing day.

After Halloween, life seemed like a blur. I had to attend a couple days of training for work, so I ended up being on travel during our wedding anniversary (sorry babe!), then the day after travel was my pre-op appointment, which is a whole other story. Then there were fun birthday parties, a very busy last week of work and eventually, getting ready for Gigi to arrive to help during the week of surgery.

It was an indescribable feeling, going on about life normally, knowing that I had cancer. I think that is when I started to emotionally detach myself from the parts that I would soon be having removed.

Because there has been so much that has happened over the past couple of weeks, I'm starting out small, and will skip over the actual surgery and recovery for now, to give you an update on how we are doing this week. (More to come on all that other not-so-fun stuff).

Everyday is different. Most days have been really good, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have some of the "everything about this sucks" kind of days this week. I think what got to me so much this week was that I was just having a tough pain day, and couldn't help get the kids dressed to play in the snow. And what was worse, was not being able to play in the snow with them.

But, I was able to go and keep with our annual tradition of cutting down our Christmas tree this past weekend! The weather turned out great, and despite the usual cranky babies, we had a blast! Emma has an incredible memory so she remembered a lot about the farm from last year, and most notable remembered the free candy canes. :)

 
Hugging a little baby Christmas tree...

Like usual, The Squishy took off running through the rows of trees!

I was pretty much zero help to Wes, but then again, he usually does all the work when Christmas tree hunting anyway, and I am usually on kid duty. So I guess this year was really no exception.

Finally, Emma got her free candy cane, which didn't last long.

I seriously don't know what I would have done without these two crazies over the past month. They are our world. We still don't know what treatment is next, but I will do absolutely anything to make sure I am around for the long haul with these two.

A couple days later, we got a few inches of snow and it was like Christmas morning to the kids. About two days after that, we got a little bit more! So I broke out the camera and tried to snap a few pictures from the steps as Wes and the kids played in the snow.

It's really hard to tell, but our snowman actually had two tiny little arms. He is like the Tyrannosaurus Rex of snowmen. :)

While Daddy and Sissy were building T Rex the snowman, Jack was busy doing some yard work.

He eventually took a break to do some snow angels...

So his big sissy picked up on the yard work right where he left off.

So there you have it! I finally got something out and hopefully this will end my writers block! Today was the first day I ventured out by myself and drove, so I'm thinking about ending on a good note and heading to surprise the babies at school. More to come, hopefully sooner rather than later!!

Halloween Fail

You know, I'm starting to think that we are Holiday cursed a bit. We were extremely lucky when it came to Hurricane Sandy though so I can't really complain about not having the perfect Halloween given what a lot of families are going through now. There just seems to always be something that happens on holidays around here. Here's a good example: Easter 2012. Another FAIL. We spent most of the holiday stuck in a McDonald's parking lot because our car broke down on the way to Easter dinner with the babies in the back, dressed to the nines. Luckily, we were at a good place to pull off the road since our car completely died and if the babies got hungry after the 4,000 Cheerios that Mommy had packed, we were in a good spot. My Dad came to the rescue, we swooped into Auto Zone and got enough Juice to get us home that night after the quickest Easter dinner known to man. With nothing else to do stranded in the parking lot, I broke out the camera and started snapping.

The Squishy was not impressed and did not appreciate being stuck in his car seat while in a parking lot that smells like nothing but french fries and chicken nuggets. Even when he is all saucy he is friggin adorable.

However, his Pop swooped in to help, and The Squishy immediately turned that frown upside down. This was the first time that I had seen him clap his hands. EVER. Emma on the other hand was happy as a clam most of the time thanks to Mommy's iPhone. #thanksappleforsavingtheday

We did escape Halloween with no automobile issues thankfully, but got hit by a whopper of a stomach bug leading up to the big day. Emma's costume had been set for a while but I was still trying to figure out The Squishy. Emma was Snow White, so I was really hoping I could make Jack one of the seven dwarfs. There was no question he would have been "Grumpy". However, Mommy's plans were foiled by the dreaded stomach virus.

Jack woke up bright and early Saturday morning, covered in throw up. ::: barfs ::: He then proceeds to get sick that morning, take a four hour nap, only to wake up and sleep for another two hours in the middle of the family room floor.

Sunday, Daddy is bed ridden with a fever and aches.

Monday, we are all home because of hurricane Sandy, all feeling a bit "off".

Tuesday, Mommy gets the virus. Emma gets the virus.

Wednesday, Mommy is feeling a bit better, Emma is still having a rough day. We all perk up just enough to go trick or treating to a handful of houses.

Wednesday night, it strikes Daddy yet again. 

Thursday, our house turns into the start of the zombie apocalypse.

So needless to say, Trick or Treating was very short, pictures are limited and Jackson was in his Lion costume from last year (which was pretty tight so I just cut the feet off the bottom). So that's why he looks like a lion wearing Capri pants. I'm not even sure I got any pictures of their faces.

It was pretty cute though. Emma was really shy and certainly not 100% so she wouldn't say anything when she got to the doors. But as soon as we turned to walk down the steps, she would yell out "Mommy! I'm going to say Happy Halloween next time!" Then she would go silent again at the door. She did that probably 10 times and finally, on the last house, said Trick or Treat.

The Squishy on the other hand wasn't shy. I know, go figure. He also didn't say "Trick or Treat" either, as he thought the use of "more" was more appropriate. Once he got the hang of things, as soon as someone would open the door, he would yell "MORE!" and stick his chunky little hand right in the bowl of candy.

We may not have had the dream Halloween that I was picturing in my head (where Snow White and Grumpy skip hand in hand to each house saying please and thank you while perfect strangers compliment Wes and I on how adorable our babies are and how we look way to young to have two kids of our own - okay, so that may be a bit much) but once we were home, the babies did nothing but sort through and throw around their Halloween loot. It didn't matter to them that we were only out for 20 minutes and Emma had just as much fun giving out the candy at home. The Halloween candy has provided hours of entertainment already, so it was all worth it.

Even the lion Capri-pants costume circa 2011....

Dorothy & Her Lion

You will have to excuse my lack of enthusiasm today as it has been a pretty tough week filled with late nights of Mama heading back to work after the babies are in bed and more late nights of the Squishy waking up at all hours. Ack. After heading to bed about 7:45 last night, he was up at 8:30, 10:00, 12:30, 3:00 and up for good at 5:00.

::: refills coffee cup for the 57th time this morning :::

However, I did finally have a minute to download some of our pictures from Emma's Dorothy's first night of Trick-or-Treating! The night started out pretty chaotic despite me getting home from work early, but after lots of chaos and wrestling toddlers and infants into their costumes we were off!!

Emma's costume was pretty big on her, but luckily her Mimi was able to do some modifications which made it much better. The bow lasted until we got to the end of the street and after that it was a lost cause.

Is this not the cutest little Dorothy that you have ever seen? She was so excited she couldn't even stand it.

Squishy on the other hand wasn't so excited. :) He was pretty cranky but once we got outside in the stroller he did pretty good. What.a.lion. Adorable.

One of our first stops was at a house that we stop at often when taking Shamie on walks. They have a couple of little girls and a new puppy named Percy. Emma is in love with Percy. She talks about him non-stop and gets so excited when she sees him that she squeals with joy! I was trying to get a cute picture of Dorothy with her Toto, but they were bouncing all around and I was trying not to let Jackson roll away in the stroller. :)

Emma wanted one of the adults to go with her to each house but she did amazing.

Our little Lion just hung out in the stroller as quiet as can be. Half the time, his lion hat would fall down on his face but he was so quiet that we didn't even notice! This is what he looked like for most of the night. :)

My Dorothy. My Everything. Love.

I am pretty sure that if you look up the definition of "Chill-axin" in the dictionary, you will find this guy.

I couldn't help but snap a picture of Dorothy's Ruby Red Slippers.

I'm sure that there is more, but my brain isn't functioning today so that's all I got.

"A lil' bit scared of da mask"

That was the phrase that Emma is continuing to say after her first night of Trick or Treating. :) We heard that no less than fifty times last night. :)

We had a great Halloween with the babies. Jackson was pretty cranky so stuffing him into his lion costume wasn't exactly easy but once we were outside in the stroller he was good to go. Emma on the other hand was ready for some candy! She did an awesome job! We had to avoid some of the house with some scary decorations but she actually went up to the house (with either Daddy, Gigi or myself), rang the doorbell herself, whispered "Trick or Treat" and then yelled "HAPPY HALLOWEEN" after getting her candy.

There was a little power ranger at one of the first houses we went to that we kept bumping into throughout the night. He was so cute, may 5 or 6, but Emma was not a fan of the mask. She kept running away crying but the little boy felt so bad, he would lift up his mask and wave. He was really sweet but poor Emma was "a lil' bit scared of da mask."

After each house that we went to, on the way back down the steps she kept saying "Oh! I like that house!'" or "Oh! I like that door." Give a toddler a piece of candy and they are yours for life. :)

Emma wasn't much of a fan of handing out candy since anyone in a mask was pretty scary to her. So for the remainder of the night, Dorothy sat quietly in her chair watching Halloween shows coveting the pink pumpkin full of candy. I took a couple of pictures throughout the night but wasn't able to get one of both Dorothy and the Lion together because of Cranky McCranky Pants, so we will have to pick another day to get them dressed up for a little photo-shoot. Emma didn't want to take off her costume last night, so that shouldn't be too hard for her. :)

For now...here is a quick phone picture of the Squishy Lion, once we were back at home eating dinner...

He is such a flirt.

Our Trip to the Farm...

Last weekend was absolutely gorgeous outside so we decided to take advantage of it and head to the farm for some fall fun and pumpkins!! Squishy was strapped in the Baby Bjorn so there aren't many pictures of him, but I promise he was there! I still have a sore back to prove it!

Emma was loving life and one of her favorite parts was definitely the big tunnel. She was just short enough to run through standing up. I'm pretty sure that we would still be there if she had her say.

Then it was off to check out some of the animals. For some reason, Emma was NOT a fan of the chickens...

So we thought we would try a little tractor ride. At first, things seemed pretty good!

I don't think we got five feet before half the kids, including Emma, started crying (and you can see how close all the parents were)! I couldn't resist snapping a picture before Daddy swooped in to rescue her...

Okay, tractor ride = FAIL. Let's head back to the animals. Unlike the chickens, the goats were a big hit!

"Here Mr. Goat! Here Mr. Goat! I love you Mr. Goat!"

Then it was off for the pumpkins! We haven't actually been to a true pumpkin patch yet (where the pumpkins are still on the vines) but Emma didnt' seem to mind. Once she found the bin where the pumpkins were JUST small enough for her to pick up, we were done for. I'm pretty sure she put 7 pumpkins in our cart. It would take all her might to get them out of the bin and carry them to the cart, but as soon as she let go of that little pumpkin, both hands flew up in the air and she screamed "That was great!" Every.single.time.

Since the kids did so good and we were all starving, we decided to head off to one of Emma's favorite places, Noodles 'N Company! She LOVES it there if you can't tell by the GIANT smile on her face.

Squishy was exhausted at this point and had fallen asleep in the car, so we brought him in his car seat and he just chilled the entire time! Amazing!