I've Been Looking At A Blank Screen for Weeks...

Friday, December 13, 2013

I don't know what it was that was keeping me from blogging over the past couple of weeks. Outside of the obvious surgery recovery. I sat down so many times with my computer open, a new post ready for words, feelings, thank yous, anything. But nothing ever seemed to come out. The odd part, was that there was so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to write about. Sometimes, on tough sleeping nights I would lay awake just thinking about everything I wanted to say about the past month, but the next day I would open my computer, and I just didn't know where to start. So you will have to forgive me because who knows where this post will go and how long it might eventually be! I just am going to sit down, and start typing and see what happens!

It feels like it was forever ago that we started our new journey, our new story. There are so many notes and cards and messages and phone conversations that have happened over the past month that will probably all trickle out in different posts, but there was one that stands out to me a lot. It was an email that Wes and I received the Saturday before my surgery and it's what I thought about every time I sat down to try to write about our latest journey. It was about how this was our story. Even though everyone has a story about a neighbor or a cousin or a friend or a coworker, this was going to be our story and was just about us, and eventually this big net of friends and family that are gathered around us to catch us. The email said "we all have to acknowledge that this is your story." I don't know why that had such an impact on me. Maybe its because as soon as we got our diagnosis, all the other stories started pouring in. Sometimes we needed to hear them, sometimes we didn't. It was always coming from a good place in someones heart, that just wanted to help. But it was often very overwhelming. Over the past month, I have just been constantly reminding myself, that this is our story, so ultimately, that's what I decided to sit down and write about. I can't thank that family member enough for that email to Wes and I that day. It meant more than you will ever know.

It seems like so long ago that we got the actual diagnosis. At first, it seemed like it was a lifetime between diagnosis and surgery. But now, it seems like it went by in the blink of an eye. The weeks in between were very odd. Mostly, extremely good and very normal. It was odd and exactly what we needed at the same time, to go back to normal life, even though we knew what was coming. Work was what I needed during the day to take my mind off of what was going on. In the evenings, it was the babies that kept us busy like usual. They were our lifesavers. We talked to them about what was going to happen. Honestly, I really didn't know what to tell them or not tell them, but in the end, we were open and honest and used words like cancer and surgery and hospital, just because we knew they would over hear them in conversations anyway. Of course they didn't understand much, especially Jack, but I think Emma understood as much as she needed to. We told them that Mommy had cancer and that the doctors needed to take the cancer out so Mommy wouldn't get sick. We told them that cancer was like weeds in our flower garden. If you don't take the weeds out, they will spread and make the flowers sick. It actually ended up being perfect because they love to help Mommy and Daddy take the weeds out of the garden in the summer. They have been absolutely amazing through all this. 

One day I noticed that our favorite photographer was having some fall mini-sessions. She usually books up fast and it was only a week away but on a whim, I thought why not? It was something I was thinking about doing in the spring, but given that our immediate future was somewhat up in the air, I took a shot and turns out she had the perfect opening. Boy was it cold that day and I wouldn't say that we were exactly prepared with proper outfits but she always makes us laugh, and the kids adore her. It was the perfect thing to do, and I am so glad that we decided to capture this exact time in our lives even in just a few photographs.

I love these three so much, that I can barely even stand it.  

Before we knew it, it was Halloween and time for the babies Halloween parade at school! Of course Emma was another princess this year and it only took us about two hours in the store to decide which one! Jack on the other hand went as the most handsome Peter Pan known to man. Clearly.

The Halloween parade must be so overwhelming for the kids because the shopping center just gets lined with parents with cameras and store owners and shoppers all clamoring to see the cuteness. After seeing so many little ones pass, we finally got a glimpse of  Peter Pan coming down the sidewalk.

It took him a few minutes but he finally saw Mommy when he was about two feet away from us. Before we could blink, Cinderella was charging along and was so excited that she barely even acknowledged us! And yes, here hair usually looks like that when she goes to school. Ha!

Round two on the other side of the shopping center, came Peter Pan once again! Talk about Mr. Serious once again!

Then, Cinderella made another appearance, and finally flashed that little beauty pageant smile and princess wave. My heart just melted.

After heading home to meet Mimi for dinner, we quickly got dressed and headed out for some trick or treating. I will say, that this was just about the perfect Halloween night. The kids were completely into trick or treating, it was the perfect weather, and everyone just had a blast. It was exactly what I was hoping for and needed. It just seemed like such a bright spot in our lives and I was so thankful for such an amazing day.

After Halloween, life seemed like a blur. I had to attend a couple days of training for work, so I ended up being on travel during our wedding anniversary (sorry babe!), then the day after travel was my pre-op appointment, which is a whole other story. Then there were fun birthday parties, a very busy last week of work and eventually, getting ready for Gigi to arrive to help during the week of surgery.

It was an indescribable feeling, going on about life normally, knowing that I had cancer. I think that is when I started to emotionally detach myself from the parts that I would soon be having removed.

Because there has been so much that has happened over the past couple of weeks, I'm starting out small, and will skip over the actual surgery and recovery for now, to give you an update on how we are doing this week. (More to come on all that other not-so-fun stuff).

Everyday is different. Most days have been really good, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have some of the "everything about this sucks" kind of days this week. I think what got to me so much this week was that I was just having a tough pain day, and couldn't help get the kids dressed to play in the snow. And what was worse, was not being able to play in the snow with them.

But, I was able to go and keep with our annual tradition of cutting down our Christmas tree this past weekend! The weather turned out great, and despite the usual cranky babies, we had a blast! Emma has an incredible memory so she remembered a lot about the farm from last year, and most notable remembered the free candy canes. :)

Hugging a little baby Christmas tree...

Like usual, The Squishy took off running through the rows of trees!

I was pretty much zero help to Wes, but then again, he usually does all the work when Christmas tree hunting anyway, and I am usually on kid duty. So I guess this year was really no exception.

Finally, Emma got her free candy cane, which didn't last long.

I seriously don't know what I would have done without these two crazies over the past month. They are our world. We still don't know what treatment is next, but I will do absolutely anything to make sure I am around for the long haul with these two.

A couple days later, we got a few inches of snow and it was like Christmas morning to the kids. About two days after that, we got a little bit more! So I broke out the camera and tried to snap a few pictures from the steps as Wes and the kids played in the snow.

It's really hard to tell, but our snowman actually had two tiny little arms. He is like the Tyrannosaurus Rex of snowmen. :)

While Daddy and Sissy were building T Rex the snowman, Jack was busy doing some yard work.

He eventually took a break to do some snow angels...

So his big sissy picked up on the yard work right where he left off.

So there you have it! I finally got something out and hopefully this will end my writers block! Today was the first day I ventured out by myself and drove, so I'm thinking about ending on a good note and heading to surprise the babies at school. More to come, hopefully sooner rather than later!!

1 comment :

  1. You are awesome Laura. A wonderful and perfect mother, wife, daughter and daughter-in-law. And cancer can't take that away. You WILL come out on top; I have no doubt about it. Love Gigi


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