I've written a couple of times about how Postpartum Depression is a roller coaster, and if you read my blog, it's probably pretty clear. One day I feel like Supermom, and the next day I'm lost. The past few weeks have certainly been no different. I was doing really well over the past week or so, feeling like I was back to myself, or at least mostly there, but then I started to slip again in the past day or two. I came across a blog about other moms who are struggling with postpartum depression and they were talking about being the Warrior Mom, and how using that imagery can truly help get you though the day, and PPD in general. There have absolutely been those days where I feel pretty good getting out of bed, and tell myself that I am going to fight this thing with everything I've got and that PPD is a goner. That Warrior Mom/Supermom frame of mind certainly is empowering because on those days, I have a say in what happens.
At the same time, its too much pressure.
Something that I have learned recently from other moms out there is that you don't have to be a hero. You don't have to "win" every day. You don't have to be Warrior Mom, or Supermom. Whether you have PPD or not, whether we are working moms or not, we don't have to take each hit with a smile. It's okay to be a "Regular" mom, because frankly, that's hard enough.
That's something that never even crossed my mind.
It's something that is easy to forget.
It's also easy to forget that it's okay to cry. Although that sounds very cliche, I know that I have this unrealistic expectation (and I'm assuming other moms out there do to), that I should be able to handle everything, and do it with a smile. I should be able to handle taking both kids to the grocery store. I should be able to handle taking both kids to a birthday party by myself. I should be able to have the career I want, the perfect marriage, perfectly behaved children who eat nothing but fruit and vegetables, all while looking like a million bucks.
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Enough.
Enough of my own expectations.
Enough of society's expectations that we are all Supermoms.
Enough of being ashamed or embarrassed that I cry.
Enough of being mad or disappointed that I get frustrated as hell taking both kids to the store and wanting to avoid it at all costs.
Enough of being mad or disappointed that I'm going through PPD.
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I'm fighting postpartum depression and anxiety and in the end, I will win. But the battle won't be pretty. I'm not always going to handle it well. I'm not always going to be good at telling people what I need, or explaining what I am going through, or being patient with those who are trying to help me. I'm not going to feel like Warrior Mom every single day.
From here on out, I am giving myself permission to have five great days in a row and then two horrible ones. Or five horrible days in a row with two good ones.
PPD or not, I hope other moms out there do the same.
It's not about whether or not we are Vice Presidents of a company, or if we argue with our spouses, or if our kids each french fries for dinner with a side of marshmallows, or how we look. It's about making it through something, whether its postpartum depression or just a regular day, the best we can.
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