Today I Feel Lost

Monday, June 20, 2011

One of the hardest things about Postpartum Depression (PPD) are all of the ups and downs. Everyday is different. Some days, I feel like supermom again and I feel like I beat this thing or that its only a matter of time before I'm back to myself again. Then there are days like today, where I feel like the PPD is getting worse, instead of better.

Today, I feel very lost.

I don't think that I will ever be able to thank everyone enough for all the support, and kindness, and offers to help. It truly means a lot. This may sound terrible, but on the bad days, it's actually overwhelming. It's so hard to explain most of the time because it's so confusing in my own head, that its near impossible to articulate it clearly.

I know I am probably going to scare the daylights out of my Mom with this post (don't worry Mom, I'm not going to jump off a bridge) but it helps a lot to just get it out. This blog is very much like a journal to me, and although sometimes it's hard to talk about my struggle with PPD openly, I just hope that someone reading this who is also struggling with PPD, will know that someone else is out there and that "I get it".

So here goes. Today....

I'm physically exhausted from trying to put on a front. I don't want anyone to know how much I am struggling because I won't look like the perfect mom. At work, I put on my happy face. At home, I put on my happy face. At parties, I put on my happy face. It's exhausting.

I feel very overwhlemed. Not the "Having two kids under two is hard" kind of overwhelemed. More like the "Am I ever not going to feel like a failure as a mother?" kind of overwhelemed.

I feel very guilty, because I feel like I should be handling this better. I'm an organized person. I'm a strong person. I'm an intelligent person. Why can't I just think of what I have to do, come up with a strategy, and do it? I feel like I have no control over anything. I feel guilty because I feel like my babies and my husband deserve better. Wes deserves a better Father's Day than he got.

Luckily, I am feeling more and more bonded to Jackson. He is no longer a stranger in my house. He is my son. The bad part is, now that I feel bonded to him, I am very paranoid that something is going to happen to him.

I don't understand why this is happening. I don't understand why I feel like I am getting worse, instead of better. Why can't I just snap out of this fog?

I constantly feel irritated, and have very little patience.

I feel like I am a weak person. Like all of this came about because I can't handle being a mother of two young children. I feel like a failure.

I can't concentrate, or focus on anything. Some days, making the simplest of decisions is hard.

I feel disconnected, like there is a big wall between me and everyone else.

My thoughts are constantly racing. I feel like I have to be doing something all the time. Cleaning bottles. Cleaning baby clothes. Cleaning the house. Entertaining the baby. Checking on the baby. Brushing the dog. Watering the flowers.

I am worried. All. The. Time.

Jackson is being Baptized on Sunday, and we are combing that with Emma's 2nd Birthday party and everyone assumes that it will be too much to handle. It's actually a relief. I can fully throw myself into party planning mode and I don't have to think about anything else. Could I just order a pizza and call it a day. Sure. But I want that distraction. I need that distraction. The longer I make it last the better. I need something to be excited about. I need some way to show my babies when they are grown and reading about all of this, that I did love them. I loved them so much that it hurt. They are going to be the ones that pull me out of this hole. I know it. I want them to know that even with all of this, they are my top priority. Even though they won't remember anything about Sunday, I will. When they look back at pictures, they will see that even though Mom was going through a rough time, she still loved us.

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