The Fear of the Unknown

Before I get into the thick of things, I have to say a big THANK YOU to all of our friends and family. Although we are still very new to the idea of having a premature baby (maybe), we have received such an out pour of love and support that it has been absolutely amazing. Wes and I can't tell you enough how much it means to us and helps us to know that we have such a strong support system behind us, willing to help in any way that we need. There are so many unknowns when it comes to what is going to happen over the next couple of weeks, but the one thing that we do know is that we will get through it all, mostly because of the amazing people standing behind us willing to help. If you talk to anyone in my family, you will know that I am a planner by design. I need to have a plan. I need to have a list. I need to have data. Not having one or all of those things is what sends me into a total panic (despite my resolution of choosing not to be stressed out haha). So although I went a little crazy "e-introducing" people like my mom and Emma's daycare teacher just to be sure, I know that Emma will be 100% taken care of, the dog and cat will be taken care of and Wes and I will be taken care of no matter what happens. This is allowing us to focus our attention on getting Jackson as ready as can be for the outside world...even if we aren't quite as ready. :)

So truly, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you so much to all of our friends and family who have written and called and emailed over the past few days just to offer your support. It means an incredible amount to us, and probably more than you will ever know.

Although there are a lot of things that we do know, like how no matter what happens, Emma will be taken care of for as long as needed, and that the doctors are doing everything that they can to make sure Jackson is as ready as can be and he is in amazing hands, there are a lot of things that we don't know. Just to name a few....

• We don't know when it's going to happen....tomorrow or maybe sometime in March? There is a big difference between 33 weeks...and 37 weeks.
• We don't know how it's going to happen....c-section or vaginal?
• We don't know if Jackson is headed to the NICU....and for how long?
• We don't know when he will come home with us....right away or days or weeks?
• We don't know what we are going to do about work if he has an extended stay in the NICU.
• We don't know how I am going to stretch out my 8 weeks of leave if he spends 3 or 4 weeks in the hospital.
• We don't know how much it's going to cost if Jackson ends up in the NICU.
• We don't know what, if anything, this is going to mean for Jackson later in life.
• We don't know how to be a parent from the NICU.
• We don't know how to bond with Jackson in the NICU.
• We don't know what our first glimpse of Jackson is going to be like.
• We don't know what to expect if he is headed for the NICU and that's where we see him for the first time.

One HUGE unknown to me, and probably one of my biggest fears, is how I am ever going to find the strength to be here for Wes through all this. Wes is my rock in so many ways, but this is his son too, and sometimes I think it's easy for me to lose sight of that simply because I'm carrying Jackson. But I feel like I am on such an emotional roller coaster already, that I just don't know where I am going to pull the strength from to be Wes's rock too.

I had my first of two steroid shots this morning as well as my first of two non-stress tests (NST) this week and both went well. We also found out that once a week we will be having my amniotic fluid checked too (which we also had done today as well) which is also looking good. After my second steroid shot tomorrow, it will take about 48 hours for them to take full effect and after that he should be covered. I learned a little more too about the NST...what they are specifically looking for is for Jackson to move at least 2 times within a 20 minute times span where his heart rate rises by 15 beats per minute and stays at that level for 15 seconds. Jackson hit his marks today but it took him until round two (they will give you two tries before heading to the biophysical sonogram) but we got an overall "pass"!

We also found out that if Jackson is born anytime soon, most likely he will be able to stay at the hospital where we are delivering. The hospital NICU is plenty capable of treating infants born as early as 28 weeks unless surgery is needed, in which case they would be flown to the local university hospital. It also looks like if the doctor decide during that during one of the tests that "today is the day", they will be transferring me right upstairs and that will be it! So needless to say, my bag is coming with me to every appointment!

We have gone from counting down time and holding our big celebrations on a monthly basis, to a daily and weekly basis now. We made it through January, so our next goal is to make it through my next steroid shot tomorrow, and my regular doctors appointment before we then start to concentrate and prepare for Thursday, which is my next round of NST and the next possible "today is the day" moment.

We are starting to be a little more prepared though, at least as prepared as we can be. Although the house is a mess, we have all our bags packed, although Jackson's room isn't finished, he has a crib with clean sheets ready for him, although we don't know if it will be next week or 6 weeks from now, our bills are paid for the next month, Emma's bag is packed and ready to go, family and friends have house keys just in case, I have my list of important and contact information updated and ready to go just in case, Jackson's all signed up with our insurance, my maternity leave paperwork is filled out and ready to hand over to my doctor for his part, I stocked up on a few more newborn size outfits for Jackson and wrapped Emma a few small gifts from her baby brother that she will get when she comes to the hospital. So we are getting there! Stay tuned for some more updates this week!